Chemo 4 done!

Friday the 13th and Chemo was no big deal. The only notable thing I remember (the drugs I get for nausea tend to leave me with little memory of anything) is dropping my laptop. And I didn't freak out. I just picked it up and everything seems fine. I remain convinced that an aluminum macbook is worth every penny.

One day later and I'm thinking how this cancer has stripped away some of who I am. A lot of the time I'm some cancer patient, but I just can't own up to that. So I'm left with this odd unfocused self-image. Another thing that happens is I identify in my mind a list of projects I want to accomplish and just run out of energy before doing even half. Having been a fairly lazy person all my life, it's easy to lay the blame there, but with so many other negative jibs and jabs at my psyche, I just can't take on laziness either. Much better just to take a nap. Oops, there's that cancer patient again.

And people are so nice! and helpful! Clerks in stores take their time with me, push my groceries to the car for me. A fellow teacher just gave me about 10 pounds of frozen beef, farm raised by her dad, grass fed, no antibiotics. When I protested that she was giving me too much, she begged me to take it. They had plenty. Neighbors cook and clean for us and comfort us and I'm grateful for all of this everyday. But I still kind of squirm because who does this make me to be? When did I become so needy? And the little voice inside says, "How can I every repay this?" Thanks to all of you. Thanks isn't enough to say how much I love you all.